How The Slayer Stole Halloween!
by Manchester
Summary: (Written for a challenge on Twisting the Hellmouth.) When the Scooby Gang goes along with Dawn's insistence to spend Halloween night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, it seems harmless enough...until Sunnydale weirdness happens.


_For a good many irksome reasons tonight  
__Buffy Summers was becoming quite cranky  
__Wanting nothing more than to go to bed  
__With a nice cup of hot cocoa and her blanky_

_But alas, Dawn (the pest) had seen  
__The Peanuts Halloween special on tv  
__To then promptly demand they spend  
__That night outside waiting to see_

_If the Great Pumpkin, no less, would condescend  
__To appear in this lonely, uncaffeinated patch  
__And tell all about the spirit of Halloween  
__Plus giving out lots of candy for Dawn to snatch_

_Joyce thought this to be such a wonderful idea  
__Getting them out of her hair  
__What with Dawn too old to go trick-or-treating  
__Despite Buffy feeling it unfair_

_At least she had her friends along to suffer likewise  
__The four of them brought along elsewhere here  
__Willow and Tara, Xander and Anya  
__Who'd gotten caught up in the holiday cheer_

_With each pair at their own particular spot  
__Those couples had spent the night necking  
__Making Dawn ask Buffy uncomfortable questions  
__In between taking notes and checking_

_Every five minutes for the Great Pumpkin  
__To make his entrance with the greatest of flair  
__This All-Hallows phantom or wraith or specter  
__Accompanied by a really cool scare_

_"__Just why should that cartoon turn out to be true?"  
__Shifting from side to side, Buffy wanted to know  
__Delivering a Slayer glare towards her bratty sister  
__And also her friends on hand in the meadow_

_Dawn cast a very skeptical look towards someone  
__Taking a rare night off from her regular job  
__Of defending humanity from vampires and demons  
__And the occasional bespelled lynch mob_

_"Helloooo, Sunnydale, remember? You know, the town  
__Where strangeness messes daily with the Scooby Gang  
__Which you secretly kept from me until laundry day  
__When I found stuck in your blouse an honest-to-Dracula fang"_

_Rolling her eyes at recollecting that raucous conversation  
__Buffy getting quite fed up listened to Dawn chatter  
__"Like Linus said, isn't the Great Pumpkin guaranteed  
__To show up tonight because of the subject matter?"_

_Buffy huffed, "That's the reason you picked this patch  
__Unlike all the others we visited that didn't make the cut  
__Because it's the most sincere? Let me tell you  
__All that's sincere here is how cold it's making my butt"_

_"Well, ladies," called Xander from where he was sitting with Anya  
__Looking smug and showing on his throat a serious hickey  
__This combined with how his fiancée was happily purring  
__Indicated they'd likely also somehow managed a quickie_

_Which was confirmed by him jovially continuing  
__"Me and Ahn can tick off a pumpkin patch now, thanks a lot  
__Hey, don't look at me like that, it was her idea  
__But I'd like to point out the letdown of Dawn's long shot"_

_He held out his wristwatch to more easily read from it  
__In the full moon above, "We've got midnight coming up  
__At three seconds…two…one…zero…that's the end of October  
__And no Great Pumpkin to be seen here, just summing up"_

_Xander was about to glance away from his watch  
__Only to stop and stare at it, muttering, "Oh, great  
__Now the second hand's broken, serves you right  
__For getting a bargain Timex, you big cheapskate"_

_Preoccupied by how his wrist piece appeared frozen solid  
__Xander naturally ignored Willow's abrupt uneasy tone  
__When she tried, "Xander, will you look at that," only for him  
__To finally pay freakin' attention when she tossed a stone_

_Into his general direction, so that when he followed her gaze  
__Xander had no option but to gawk with the rest  
__At the sudden wall of fog billowing up from the acre's borders  
__All the way around: north, south, east, and west_

_This fog rose and then curved to form a nearly solid roof  
__Leaving a mere space for the light of the moon  
__Where the Scoobies could see each other hastily getting up  
__Onto their feet, at this situation most inopportune_

_The wall swelled and surged and curled and roiled and…  
__It had to be admitted, all that menacing motion  
__Made the Sunnydalers promptly decide it'd be a good idea  
__To contemplate escape or a similar notion_

_Save there seemed no clear indication of exactly which route  
__To run like hell through the sinister miasma  
__Plus it might have a hundred vamps in there  
__Waiting for a free dinner, emphasis on the Slayer's plasma_

_All the others looked at Buffy, who suddenly held up her hand  
__While she listened in concentration to something afar  
__That Dawn, Xander, Tara, Anya, and Willow now heard  
__Moving closer, a set of footsteps very distinctly bizarre_

_Out of the nearest wall of fog, something came into view  
__Confounding people who'd thought they'd seen it all  
__Except this was a creature with a body of green vines  
__And an oversize head involving an orange beachball_

_Red fire leaking out of a mouth carved into a cruel grin  
__Truly, it'd make strong men cry  
__That is, if the Great Pumpkin would've been much taller  
__Instead of just two feet high_

_The Scoobies watched in silence while the tiny being strutted up  
__To stop in front of the six humans and pull out from thin air  
__A massive cigar at the very least the size of a Great Dane turd  
__Sticking this into their fiery mouth and lighting it with an easy flare_

_Puffing in satisfaction, the stogie was shifted to the side by the GP  
__Who exhaled out from their lipless slash a long stream of smoke  
__After that, this Halloween character crossly regarded them all  
__And then proceeded to lecture everyone with intention to provoke_

_"Do you idiots even know how much trouble you've got coming?  
__Dropping in uninvited on me after working hard the biggest night of the year  
__When I just wanna relax, have some brews, and count my latest bucks  
__Nah, I gotta deal with you instead, so better get ready for something severe"_

_Buffy didn't take that threat lightly, swelling up in preparation for a fight  
__Except Xander interrupted this with an "Excuse me," in a strangled cough  
__"Is it just me, or is anybody else kinda surprised that Mr. Pumpkin here  
__Sounds exactly like Danny DeVito as a replacement for…say…Boris Karloff?"_

_The Great Pumpkin removed his cigar and blew a perfect smoke ring  
__Right at the only young man there, adding in a somewhat irritated voice  
__"Kid, that first-rate actor died in 1969, so I'm using the next best thing  
__Now don't change the subject! You're lucky I'm even giving you all a choice"_

_"A choice for what?" came suspiciously from a former vengeance demon  
__After all, Anya knew how wrong decisions could really change someone's life  
__If they opted for a magical wish to be married to the most beautiful girl ever  
__Only to wed the ugliest possible troll which male trolls held to be the perfect wife_

_"What we're gonna do, I'm setting up a sweet little challenge for your bunch  
__You win it, not only do I let you go, I'll throw in for each pair of you a single boon"  
__"And if we lose? How do we know you'll play fair?" asked a worried Willow  
__The Great Pumpkin drew himself up, saying, "Hey, I keep my word, so don't impugn"_

_Dawn pointed out, "You still didn't say what'd happen to us if we lost"  
__Chuckling evilly, the Great Pumpkin informed them with malicious intent  
__"My China sweatshops can always use more exploited employees 16 hours a day  
__Sewing knock-off Halloween costumes that get me a markup of 2000 percent"_

_"__Nice," said Anya appreciatively, getting a swift nudge from Xander's elbow  
__To tone down the capitalism admiration remarks, what with the others' dirty looks  
__Being sent her way, followed by Buffy's forceful demand as their leader  
__"Your challenge, it better be something doable, not from a bunch of dusty books"_

_"Okay, here it is, ready or not: In another dimension, there's a magical castle  
__Where they drink morning, noon, and night a concoction known as pumpkin juice  
__Your mission, should you choose to accept it — heh, heh — is to get them  
__To quit that by any means necessary, by which I mean absolutely no excuse"_

_"Oh, my," a sympathetic Tara contributed, "That sounds perfectly horrid  
__I can see why you want us to end for your, um, sort such a cruel affair"  
__The Great Pumpkin shot that buxom witch an incredulous glower along with  
__"Are you nuts? They can puree the lot by the truckload for all I care"_

_"No, what really frosts my leaves is that I'm not making a penny off this  
__So tell 'em it causes cancer, erectile dysfunction, and major disconcertion  
__Or do anything else which comes to mind, as long as they cease and desist  
__Is it a deal, or should we just go straight to the whole sweatshop coercion?"_

_"We'll talk it over, all right?" Buffy nodded to the Great Pumpkin, who shrugged  
__Beckoning her friends along, she led them to a spot for privacy a few yards away  
__"Do we agree or better still, I terminate that squash with extreme Slayer prejudice"  
__Buffy said, whose grim expression indicated regret over not possessing an assegai_

_All three ladies there personally familiar with magic firmly shook their heads no  
__As the oldest, Anya laid down the law to a scowling Buffy, "In your dreams  
__We're in the Great Pumpkin's place of power, at the time when he's his strongest  
__You lift a single solitary finger against him, it'll end in bloodshed and screams"_

_"Ours, correct?" Xander wanted to be sure, turning glum at the trio of disgusted stares  
__Growing thoughtful, he proposed, "Why not give it a try? It might not be all that hard  
__Besides, look who we got here: a Slayer, two witches, D'Hoffryn's favorite, and us"  
__(Indicating Dawn and himself) "I'm ready to mark that as a pending win on the scorecard"_

_"Well…," Buffy mused, "It sounds way lot easier than operating a sewing machine  
__I never really got the hang of doing that in Home EC class," finishing with a look of around  
__To find unanimous acceptance from the others for another Scooby Gang adventure  
__Returning to the Great Pumpkin, Buffy told him, "We'll say yes instead of turning you down"_

_"Figured you might," gloated the Great Pumpkin, sounding just like Louie De Palma  
__About to hustle some taxi driver for everything he had, down to their navel lint  
__Becoming more serious, this anthropomorphic representation rubbed his hands  
__"You've got six hours to do it – that's sunrise here – and you won't get another hint"_

_"That's all?!" yelped Buffy, staring at the Great Pumpkin's illuminated smirk  
__Rather, he continued leering at her, flames flickering with amusement in his eyes  
__"Fine," the Slayer gritted, regretting not negotiating earlier, "How do we get there?"  
__The GP just snapped his fingers, producing a portal which gathered up Buffy and her allies_

_Happening even faster than a Slayer could react, the Scooby Gang toppled backwards  
__Landing with a solid thump onto a stone floor and leaving them gasping at the ceiling  
__Of some enormous room lit up there by lightning that shone on swarms of circling bats  
__With enough floating pumpkins between the torch-lit soaring walls to keep them reeling_

_Among the sudden hush inside the vast chamber, a man's elderly voice then spoke  
__"Welcome to Hogwarts, young ladies and gentleman; we weren't expecting guests  
__On this Halloween festival night, much less those who just now fell out of a gateway  
__If you would kindly arise, we can start with who, what, why, and other requests"_

_Rolling over to stand up, the Scoobies were transfixed by the spectacle before them  
__Four long tables filled with children of all ages, clad in their robes and watching in unease  
__While at the far wall, another perpendicular table stretched across the room, occupied  
__By the older contingent of gowned residents having achieved their academic degrees_

_Centered in the cross table was an impressive chair used by a man with an impressive beard  
__Over this, twinkling eyes peered at the six strangers as he said, "I do hope you mean no harm  
__Rather than being some evil fiends here to carry off to a dismal fate one of our company  
__I'm sure that a calm and peaceful discussion can take place now, with no reason for alarm"_

_During that last sentence, the old man started jabbing a discreet finger hidden from sight  
__Save for the Scoobies, who followed this indication towards the woman on his left side  
__Vindictively regarding them as if she had on the dinner table by her plate a reward poster  
__Which only further increased her resemblance to an actual toad planning sadistic homicide_

_Trading a baffled glance with most of her friends, Buffy turned to Mr. Wizard, ruler of this place  
__That apparently was called – no kidding – Hogwarts to say, "Uh, sorry, no evilness about us  
__We only dropped in to convince you to make a little change in your daily menu, that's all  
__Once it's done, we'll be gone with our thanks and a goodbye to everyone, without fuss"_

_Mr. Wizard now gazing past Buffy said carefully, "That…seems quite harmless, I must say  
__But before we discuss it any further, you might want to take care of your associate"  
__The Slayer spun around to gape at where Willow had been peeking over her shoulder  
__Except this redhead was at present floating a foot above the floor, with Tara rightly distrait_

_It didn't help either that Willow was blissfully glowing, most literally covered by a radiant light  
__All while crooning, "Oooo, such a darling little castle! Good, good Hogwarts! You're so cute!"  
__Buffy facepalmed herself at this latest bout of gonzo behavior from one of the Scoobies  
__Jerking her hand away when the toad-woman screamed at them, "STOP THAT, YOU BRUTE!"_

_After yelling this, she leapt up from her chair, and whipped out a stick to point at the group  
__Shouting all the time, "Filthy mudbloods, I knew someday I'd catch you in the act!  
__Surrender your wand at once and cease stealing Hogwart's magic, you horrible girl!  
__As for the rest of you, do the same or I'll charge all of you as accessories after the fact!"_

_Buffy pulled out her spare stake and held it ready for a quick throw, pushing Dawn behind her  
__The other Scoobies save for one prepared to either duck or dodge or run, just like back home  
__However, Willow still up in the air wrinkled her nose in disgust at the toad-woman to say  
__"I'm not stealing anything, but be careful or I'll hex you with irritable bowel syndrome!"_

_There was a pause in the Great Hall for all there to process this, although Willow spoke again  
__"On second thought, you've already got that; hey, you need to cut down on the flies–"  
__Maybe this was going a bit too far, since the toad-woman's face turned blotchy red to bellow  
__"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! I'LL SEE ALL OF YOU IN AZKABAN FOR LIFE FOR THOSE LIES!"_

_Mr. Wizard leaned back in his chair to resignedly attempt to explain, "Madam Umbridge  
__You might be the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, but that position  
__Doesn't come with any powers of arrest, whatever you may think. May I suggest you sit–"  
__The toad-woman interrupted, hissing, "Careful, Dumbledore! That's awfully close to sedition!"_

_Willow joined in with, "Really? Just some friendly advice, and pow, it's an illegal action  
__Causing the disruption or overthrow of the government? What do you call jaywalking?  
__Anywhere else, crossing the road on a red light isn't like provoking insurrection  
__But I'm beginning to believe your whole stupid society considers that just as shocking!"_

_With a wordless screech of pure rage, Madam Umbridge thrust her wand towards Willow  
__Turning her shriek midway into an order recognized with horror by those attending the school  
__Though to the rest of the Scooby Gang, that shout of "REDUCTO!" was just a peculiar insult  
__About their floating pal needing to lose even more weight, or some other attempt at ridicule_

_A flash of light erupted from the end of Madam Umbridge's stick, rushing towards her target  
__Which was a surprisingly unperturbed Willow, who just lifted a hand to easily catch and snuff  
__With a simple squeeze of her fingers the white spark, to then blow on these digits with a smirk  
__To a stunned room, this witch next casually announced, "I think that's more than enough"_

_Directing a cold expression at the pasty-faced Umbridge, Willow told her, "I don't like you  
__Hogwarts doesn't like you, so you're going to be dealt with as should've been done years ago  
__You're a vicious, manipulative woman who enjoys hurting as many people as you can  
__Having magic is what nobody but you deserves, right? Then, let magic treat you apropos"_

_Clapping her hands once, Willow sent a shimmering wave of enchantment across the room  
__At this terrified woman unable to avoid being overwhelmed by Hogwarts Castle's sway  
__In a magical instant, a homo sapiens was altered into a Bufo bufo; to wit, a real toad  
__Plopping onto the staff table, where another witch placed over it the dome for a cheese tray_

_The Scoobies next saw a perfect example of how this wasn't anything like Sunnydale  
__Instead of panicking or going right into denial, the crowd stood up and mostly cheered  
__With honest applause or grateful hugs among themselves, not to mention two guys started  
__Bowing in worship to a surprised Willow; though at one table, a young Spike-clone volunteered_

_"When my father hears about this–" Which to Dawn made no sense at all, eyeing that area  
__Filled with surly children, and one particular man who made her do a supreme double-take  
__Reaching over to poke Xander currently failing to prevent Anya from loudly declaring  
"Not bad, but a bit lacking in imagination; me, I'd have turned her into a hognose snake"_

_"Yeah, Dawn?" came from a harassed Xander, following how she was pointing at–  
__Now it was time for him to stare with growing delight at that sneering man in black  
__Beginning to stride from the grumbling table over there, who immediately shushed  
__Along with the rest of the Great Hall at the muggle's whoop of joy, "Hans, you maniac!"_

_Speedily approaching the limits of his patience, Professor Snape decided if the Headmaster  
__Wouldn't see to those dunderheads, he'd take care of it, commencing with that fool  
__Who was inexplicably buzzing aloud even as Snape came closer, "Sorry, Hans, wrong guess!"  
__Bringing his wand out to fire a full-power "Stupefy" at this range to cause permanent drool–_

_Sunnydale reflexes plus his soldier possession a few Halloweens back made Xander react  
__By moving with a lunge inside the reach of that wand thingy and then getting his cheat on  
__With a nice head-butt flattening Herr Gruber's nose twinned by the traditional knee to the balls  
__But the true finish for that robed man collapsed to the floor was a leg drop of pure Hulk Hogan_

_Getting triumphantly back up on his feet, Xander heard a "Crunch!" sound coming from below  
__Glancing down, he saw the stick just stepped on in a multitude of splinters as a total loss  
__A mass inhalation of shocked breaths caused Xander to look around at the room and say  
__"Sorry if I just beat up the castle's nicest guy; you want me to take him to the Red Cross?"_

_Awed headshakes from three tables indicating a 'no' to that had Xander feeling better  
__Though the scorching glares from a couple dozen wearers of green and grey striped ties  
__Indicated the minority opinion had him dead last in their polls, so he went back to his girls  
__Already expecting a set of whacks on the skull from female hands used to giving this chastise_

_Sure enough, there were slaps aplenty but it turned strange when Tara came up to bat  
__This tenderhearted witch usually meant to give Xander her mildest physical rebuke  
__This time, however, it was a potent clout accompanied by a yelp of fright from Willow's lover  
__Being distracted by spotting something in the middle of her swing to cause Tara to spook_

_Oh, bugger, and things had been going so well, but what else could he expect for Halloween  
__That autumnal time of the year when his bloody luck always went tits-up for Harry Potter  
__He glumly waited all day for the hammer to fall, despite Hermione first arguing otherwise  
__Reciting his anniversary disasters brought reluctant agreement from this Granger daughter_

_It'd been during the feast with a total lack of appetite for Harry and the contrariwise for Ron  
__When without warning, six people tumbled into the Great Hall from out of nowhere  
__The entire room turned to Dumbledore for guidance, though Harry was prepared to bet  
__With fresh cynicism, that old fraud would cover his arse by initiating a policy of laissez faire_

_Things commenced going pear-shaped when the faux-Weasley lass went aglow and ascended  
__By a lack of visible means of support, leading Umbitch to conclude her usual wrong idea  
__Of a Ministry offence which required the immediate seizure with maximum force by yours truly  
__In Harry's jubilant opinion later, she deserved much more; perhaps a change into a crustacea_

_Next came something even more astonishing, special enough make Ron pause in mid-bite  
__When Snape in full dramatic robe flurry and greasy hair swept back by his speedy passage  
__Prepared to bully as he'd done to every Hogwarts student save for the Slytherins that muggle  
__Only to have thoroughly handed to him Snape's entire, complete, all-inclusive, absolute assage_

_At the Gryffindor table, Harry was content to savor the memories, right up to the moment  
__When the bird with the sweet face frantically pointed at Snape lying out cold on the floor  
__(It must be admitted the Boy-Who-Lived felt then a flicker of respect for that repugnant sod  
__Due to a Potions Master still having his usual sneer among the broken nose and resultant gore)_

_Yet this was put aside by a wary Harry when they all came over to his table, those strangers  
__The hovering radiant lady, who probably wasn't aware of Fred and George's adoration  
__Her friend appearing even more worried when eyeing him closely as if measuring Harry's mood  
__An occasion much too familiar to this wizard, with his lightning scar causing regular fixation_

_Trying to avoid being rude right off, Harry examined the others of their little group, one by one  
__The shortest of them all was giving him a rather funny feeling, almost like he should be afraid  
__By what, a gel just barely taller than Dobby the house elf, Harry had to scold himself  
__Yet to be proven unluckily right when she asked, "He's really got in his head a demon shade?"_

_"I- I think so," answered the sweet girl, "His aura's the same as the guy Xander knocked out"  
__Harry froze at that revelation of his connection to Voldemort and Snape's Death Eater tattoo  
__For once, the school was ignoring this to watch how Professor McGonagall was holding down  
__The cheese tray dome where Madam Umbridge was trying to hop out in a futile break through_

_Even Ron was fully engaged in stuffing his face with more chocolate mousse to listen  
__Which left Hermione as his witness to the exposure of important secrets, trying to intervene  
__"I'm sorry, but you must be mistaken–" alas got in turn from the floating redhead, "Uh-huh  
__I'll just yank it out in a jiffy and it won't hurt much", making Harry decide: He hated Halloween_

_Nervously watching the glowing witch touch Harry's scar, Hermione did her best to disregard  
__The unknown girl sitting down next on the bench when she said, "Hi there, I'm Dawn Summers  
__Of the Scooby Gang also known as Sunnydale's meddling kids; from how much you're worried  
B__oth of you must be in one serious relationship because that's obvious even to us newcomers"_

_"Pardon me?" said Hermione over gross sounds of glugging, crunching, and other mastication  
__By a walking appetite well on the way to devouring every scrap of food in the neighborhood  
__"No, Harry's just been my best friend since first year and all our adventures together  
__That's why I'm not happy about some stranger interfering with that scar from his toddlerhood"_

_Dawn was clearly taken aback, "He's had that thing in his head for, what, fifteen years or so?  
__Nobody ever tried before to get it out? And don't say you're only besties, he's way too cute"  
__Hermione protested, "I'm with Ron here" waving vaguely at that gobbling Weasley on her right  
__An aghast Dawn watched Ron-whoever send down in one slurp a whole bowl of candied fruit_

_Shuddering, Dawn turned away from that scene guaranteed to give her more nightmares  
__Than growing up on a Hellmouth could do, to instead watch Willow busy at extricating work  
__At least Harry had decided to submit peacefully, eyes shut, face relaxed and glowing also  
__From the magic checking him inside and out, showing that Hogwarts was not prepared to shirk_

_Unlike clearly everybody else here, making the Scoobies even more unhappy with this place  
__Could there be an obliviousness spell on the residents, like Sunnydale causing people to forget  
__That would explain a lot, including a clueless man in charge and his students paying no heed  
__To those newest guests about to rattle their world by taking out this world's Big Bad threat_

_Though, the school speedily became aware that something was off, especially when none other  
__Than a luminous Harry Potter spurted black smoke from his head, wafting upwards the ceiling  
__Followed by the young woman also brightly shining in crowing, "Yeah, get out of there  
__And don't come back! The rest of you, wherever you are, I summon you to finish my healing"_

_Smirking when mere moments later, more wisps of black smoke poured into the Great Hall  
__Through the walls and double doors to twist around the room before joining the main strand  
__Which had issued from that Gryffindor, Willow made one last grand, imperious gesture  
__Towards the insensible man Xander punched out earlier, bringing a final tendril she'd banned_

_From their former locations whether far as London to as close as that robed teacher's arm  
__All done by Hogwarts' shared power over those who'd attended this magical school of any year  
__Leaving Harry Potter to sit there with closed eyes and still shimmering in mystical energy  
__While Willow stood there to confront all the smoke threads uniting in a single massive sphere_

_That globe of midnight hue floating in the air writhed into a face of pure malevolence directed  
__Towards Willow who just yawned at it "Not impressed" and commenced to study the room  
__As searching for something, until she snapped her fingers, causing a hovering pumpkin  
__To zip over and then into the globe, sucking up every bit of smoke, down to the very last fume_

_Until it ended with a pumpkin floating before Willow, black as pitch with a downcast mouth  
__Carved into the lower half of it, while she folded her arms and smartly cut the gordian knot  
__"Tom Riddle, it's time to finish you off– What's that? You'll still come back and make me pay?  
__Not a chance, buster, you're a pumpkin now and where you're going, you'll do nothing but rot"_

_With one last stuck-out tongue and a finger flick, Willow vanished the pumpkin to its fate  
__Celebrating with a delighted self-hug and doing a couple of twirls in mid-air, happy as could be  
__But as for her friends, they were a little uncertain about Willow's increasing, uncommon glee  
__Xander said under his breath to the others, "Did I miss Wils swigging lately a gallon of coffee?"_

_Anya eyed the glowing girl skipping to and fro, "Uh-oh, she's undergoing magical overexposure  
__It's rare, but after spending her whole life on a Hellmouth and then to a place making her glad  
__Instead of being affected like usual, we should leave pretty soon before it becomes permanent  
__Better she only regrets it in the morning, or we might actually be talking witchy cackling bad"_

_The same thought might've crossed the mind of someone else, who cleared an aged throat  
__Directing a concerned question to a young lady now giggling to herself, "Miss, could you please  
__Take a moment, no great rush, and explain a few things that we'd positively like to know now  
__Starting with, is Harry all right or were you already about to begin setting our minds at ease?"_

_Each and every gaze in the hall followed Dumbledore's nod towards where that named lad  
__Was now approaching genuine dazzlement in their mystical illumination, painful to the eye  
__Uttering a dainty hiccup, Willow breezily replied, "Hogwarts just wants to do something nice  
__For one of her favorite people who really needed it, fixing along the way what went awry"_

_At that moment, with a flash of blinding light Harry Potter was transformed by a castle's magic  
__Almost if it was ordered "Dude, upgrade me to the max!" to some obeying genie of the lamp  
__Causing an instant increase in height to six-foot-plus and a good fifty pounds of added muscle  
__But it was now the handsomest face in the hall turning more than a few sets of knickers damp_

_Gawking at a chiseled jaw, blazing green eyes shown by discarded glasses, and more hotness  
__Hermione made a prompt decision with a brisk swing of her hips which did the swift shove  
__Of a startled Ron entirely off the bench to sprawl onto the floor with Hermione trampling him  
__In her dash around the table, jumping up on the other bench and bestowing a kiss of true love_

_As one, the other Hogwarts girls arose in their full wrath over that bitch laying her claim  
__Copying this elevation was Hermione lifting her wand sparkling at its tip with deadly power  
__While she snogged the breath out of a stunned Harry James Potter who was hers always  
__A quick, defeated return to their own benches had those routed girls with moods awfully dour_

_Getting back to Ron… Shaking his spinning head, he rubbed a stomach feeling most queasy  
__Not from the triple helping of treacle tart already consumed but from a feminine shoe  
__Which if it had heavily landed six inches lower would've reduced him to reading the articles  
__In 'Witch Weekly', causing him to utter a betrayed "Mental!" as he unknowingly bid an adieu_

_To having his homework done without lifting a finger, being reminded to wash behind his ears  
__And many other things taken for granted by Hermione gone bonkers who needed to be told so  
__Firmly convinced things would soon return to normal, Ron got up on his hands and knees  
__Crawled around the table and met a wand pointed right between his eyes by a witch virtuoso_

_She wasn't even looking at him, Ron thought, what with too busy locking lips with Harry  
__How could this happen to some formerly scrawny bloke who'd always been his best mate?  
__Well, except for that time…and that too…and those others…none which had been his fault at all  
While Hermione forever stood up for Harry, showing enough supportive fondness to nauseate_

_Weren't they going to stop? If this kept up, it'd almost be like Harry and Hermione were a pair  
__Unjustly leaving out the next-youngest Weasley from their tight group, which wouldn't do  
__Right, make a dignified retreat and get clear of her bloody wand, to wait a bit for it to end  
__In the meantime, that jellied eel pie was calling his name along with a dozen drinks or two…_

_Buffy Summers wasn't in a good mood at Hogwarts, all due to several whys and wherefores  
__In the main these being those two lovesick kids over there doing enough thorough making out  
__To remind the Slayer at every kiss by this wizard and witch she hadn't been getting any  
__For far too long when it should be Dawn not dating until her fifties, without the slightest doubt_

_It didn't help either that Willow was now flying around the castle ceiling with evident joy  
__Doing loops that the following clouds of enamored magical bats were faithfully emulating  
__All she needed now was to require an umbrella for protection from a sudden rain of guano  
__Time to get done and get gone, the reason they came here and the subsequent evacuating_

_"Willow!" Buffy yelled at her friend, getting the attention of this young woman and the others  
__In their Hogwarts seats; to be specific Mr. Wizard who'd been vastly entertained throughout  
__According to the twinkle-eyed smile he gave both her and Willow swooping down to hover  
__By the rest of the Scoobies coming to stand next to their Slayer leader in a downright pout_

_"Is everybody finished?" Buffy snapped, sending a glare around, receiving hasty nods from all  
__She glowered at the expectant big shot, "Okay, Bumblebee, pay attention: here's the thing  
__For us to leave, we need you to quit drinking all the pumpkin juice you've been knocking back  
__Not just for this supper, but for the rest of time, because of some weirdo Halloween king"_

_A look of mutual confusion set itself up on the faces of the English magicals trying to fathom  
__Both the perplexing request and the equally bizarre phrasing of that titch of a young lass  
__Even Dumbledore appeared baffled, peering under bushy eyebrows at an impatient Buffy  
__Who if she'd any idea of how they regarded her would've promptly done a massacre en masse_

_Coming to a decision, the Headmaster said kindly, "I don't know if that's even possible, Miss  
__It's been a steadfast tradition at Hogwarts since 1837 to serve pumpkin juice during our meals  
__I can't see us giving it up merely on your say-so–" Dumbledore went on, only to be interrupted  
__By a loud groan from where an unattended Severus Snape was arising upon tottering heels_

_"Oh, goody!" beamed Willow, sending around a grin which could only be described as deranged  
__Knowing her much better than their hosts, the Scooby Gang took a precautionary step back  
__To listen in growing anxiety her burbling on, "I know the perfect way to make everybody stop!  
__Best of all, we've got the ideal volunteer!" she pointed with assertion at a dazed man in black_

_Before anyone could even protest, Willow made some mystical gestures, wriggling her fingers  
__Towards the many cups laid out on the Hogwarts tables with their contents of pumpkin juice  
__Shooting upwards in a multitude of blobs, save for one bench which brought an outraged "Oi!"  
__Ignoring that, Willow directed the juice globules to merge into one single sphere to next induce_

_A speedy rush of that ball towards Snape whose eyes widened in shock at being drenched fully  
__From head to toe in the magically-animated pumpkin juice giving him a good, hard scrubbing  
__Paying attention in scrupulous detail to every strand of hair where the grease was removed  
__When done, the juice shot away from the Potions Master fainting again from that drubbing_

_No one noticed Snape falling to the floor, not when the tainted juice ball split into smaller parts  
__Returning with unerring precision to drop into the cups previously containing pumpkin extract  
__That the Hogwarts' occupants recoiled from as if what was in there might crawl out and pounce  
__Save for a horrified shriek from the Gryff table, which sounded if they wanted a suicide pact_

_Everybody stared at where Ron Weasley was standing, both hands clenched around his throat  
__Mere moments ago, one of those hands had clapped onto their cup to successfully prevent  
__The pumpkin juice there from being summoned by that daft witch loonier than Loony Lovegood  
__Only for him to be caught in the middle of drinking it when Snape was scoured to utter extent_

_Screaming, "I CAN TASTE HIM!" Ron ran toward the doors, spewing out his guts along the way  
__After he disappeared from sight, the rest of the castle occupants slowly stared at their cups  
__And next gazing with equal care at where Willow Rosenberg was posing with pride in mid-air  
__While the other Scoobies avoided anyone's stare: themselves, the children, and the grown-ups_

_Their guests weren't discomfited for long, due to how a circular gate now appeared in the hall  
__Whisking away all of those temporary visitors, including the witch who was airborne  
__This happened so fast, there was no time for any last-minute questions about recent events  
__Much to the disappointment of those who'd hoped to elude an upcoming decision to mourn_

_Rising his voice, Dumbledore told the school, "It appears our callers have taken their leave  
__We will now return to our feast, so let fresh food and drink be set out before us in gratitude"  
__This was swiftly made so by the unseen house-elves hard at work, though it was natural  
__For all there to warily whiff first their water-filled cups before reaching for finger food_

_The Headmaster then leaned over to speak to Flitwick, "Filius, please take Severus to the care  
__Of Madam Pomfrey and have her check his magical core; I think there might be a problem"  
__With a nod, the Charms Professor went off to levitate Snape's limp body out of the hall  
__As childish gossip filled the great room, although at the staff table it was far more solemn_

_At a tap of his finger, two goblets appeared before Albus for him to check their aromas  
__Watching, Minerva lifted an eyebrow at how the Headmaster then pushed the cups away  
__Catching sight of this, Albus sighed, "Fresh pumpkin juice from here and from Hogsmeade  
__Sadly, both contains essence of Snape; I fear all brought here will bear the same bouquet"_

_She frowned at him, asking, "What problem is there be for Severus? He didn't look that hurt"  
__"Not physically," said Dumbledore, "But remember the black strands, and that from his arm?"  
__At her nod, the aged wizard went on, "It's only conjecture, but I imagine that was magic  
__From You-Know-Who and also his Dark Marks, causing every Death Eater to lack that charm"_

_McGonagall paled in shock, stuttering, "Are you saying V-V-Voldemort was just destroyed?"  
__"The evidence is tending that way," Albus somberly replied, "Severus may be the living proof  
__If he's now a squib because his magic was taken, so might all the magic owned by our foe"  
__The woman blinked back tears at this good news, how fate changed for the better in a poof_

_She went silent to contemplate such a big change, allowing Albus to study across the hall  
__Where Harry and Hermione were next to each other, her head leaning against his shoulder  
__Hard as it might be to believe, the prophecy of long ago must've been fulfilled here and now  
__With the power he knew not being a witch from another world, in the eye of the beholder_

_Albus would wait to see if the other horcruxes ever appeared, but if they'd been ruined  
__Exactly as the one earlier removed from Harry's head, the Headmaster could savor victory  
Over Tom Riddle and bring in a glorious age for the British wizarding world; all because of him  
__Or however Dumbledore could spin it to gain every bit of personal credit for such a story—_

_McGonagall interrupted his latest scheming with, "Albus, there's a last loose end for tonight"  
__Bringing into view the small terrarium she'd converted from the cheese tray dome to reveal  
__A sullen toad squatting inside there and obviously awaiting for someone to get around to her  
__Upon which she'd then make a living hell for everyone in her vicinity as payback for this ordeal_

_"Ah, Dolores," said Dumbledore in an atypical frosty voice plus a malicious smile just as rare  
__Directed at the now-nervous toad, especially when she heard, "I'll see you safe and sound  
__In the Unspeakables' care," remembering only too well how she'd slashed their office budget  
__Albus clearly knew this: "It shouldn't take more than a couple decades for a cure to be found"_

_This time, they landed face-first in the soil with Buffy spitting out from her mouth a vine  
__Springing to her feet, the Slayer looked around with murderous zeal to turn a pumpkin into pie  
__Or bread or cookies or pretzels or smoothie or caramels or cereal or gelato or yogurt or bagels  
__In fact, any kind of munchies was wanted, after leaving so soon a castle feast in swift goodbye_

_Simply because a certain Great Pumpkin about to be reduced to crumbs and whipped cream  
__Was having fun with the Scooby Gang, marked by Willow developing a major meltdown  
__Examining her chest, she burst into tears, wailing, "I had balconies, and now they're gone!"  
__Tara gathered Wils into a caring hug sitting on the ground of the pumpkin patch near town_

_Dawn turned to Xander giving Anya a hand up, "Are we back home? That's it, fun's over?"  
__With Anya brushing off her pants, Xander checked his watch, "Huh, two minutes past midnight  
__Looks like everything's returned to normal—," speedily disrupted by Buffy bellowing with rage  
__"C'MERE AND LET ME KILL YOU!" "—that, too," Xander finished, eyeing a Slayer full of spite_

_It was Anya, of course, who pointed out the most important thing of all concerning the group  
__"Didn't the Great Pumpkin say something about a prospective boon for us if we won?"  
__Stomping over to the rest, Buffy growled at them, "You really expected that no-good welsher  
__To keep his word, handing out free prizes? Like you can see, we're getting none!"_

_"Guess so," sighed Dawn, looking around the peaceful moonlit patch appearing ordinary again  
__She turned to lead their group to the car for the drive home, and promptly tripped  
__Hard enough to sprawl forward onto her hands and knees, leading Xander to snark "Graceful"  
__Causing Dawn to give him the finger, only to then notice something which wasn't in the script_

_Reaching out in grab what she'd just stumbled over, Dawn got up with that in her hand  
__Showing it to them along with asking, "Did somebody lose this? I didn't see anyone bring it"  
__The other Scoobies stared in equal denial at the cheap plastic bucket with its white handle  
__That had a grinning pumpkin design on its side, a detail which made Buffy snatch and fling it_

_Over her shoulder, dismissing it with, "Some kid must've lost this candy bucket earlier today  
__Looking for the perfect pumpkin or something, now let's go!" ending with impatient poise  
__Nodding in acceptance, the gang began to leave again only to stop short in their departure  
__By the unexpected sound from behind, spinning around in unison at that rustling noise_

_To then gawk at the tilted-over bucket a few yards away, which was impossibly pouring out  
__In their wrappers: chocolate bars, peanut butter cups, Turkish delight, licorice (but no black)  
__Taffy, bubble gum, peppermints, marshmallows, fudge, toffee, nougats, and so many more  
__Approaching that supernatural item, the Scoobies also noticed of diet anything a distinct lack_

_Buffy dared to pick up the bucket, which promptly filled itself to the brim and gave it a shake  
"Doesn't feel heavier than it should," she announced, making Tara cogitate meanwhile  
__She suggested, "Buffy, turn it over" with the Slayer obeying and brave enough to not flinch  
__At the endless gusher of goodies flowing out of that inverted bucket, building to a high pile_

_A gaping Willow knew, "Guys, we've got a Halloween cornucopia here, a real bucket of plenty"  
__Turning the pail over, Buffy took the top chocolate bar, warning them, "It needs the final test"  
__Handing Dawn the bucket, they watched the Slayer unwrap, sniff, and then chomp the candy  
__After a moment, Buffy happily declared, "Fresh and 100% cocoa, never would have guessed"_

_Looking as if she wanted to take Xander then and there, Anya declared with pure financial lust  
__"We could make a fortune with that bucket; the Magic Box's got next to it an empty store"  
__The Scoobies promptly agreed, but Dawn asked, "Buffy, don't you have an apology to make?"  
___Causing a fervent shout through the patch, "THANKS, SORRY ABOUT GIVING YOU WHAT FOR!"_ _

_In his haunt, the Great Pumpkin snickered at what Buffy Summers considered appreciation  
Saying with good grim humor, "Oh, no, Slayer, you're definitely not getting off that easy  
What you need is a long, long life surrounded by your friends and family, and I'm just the one  
To make sure you receive what's coming to you; did you really think my boons are so cheesy?"_

_A being of power put out his hand of vines, palm uppermost, and summoned three pieces  
__Of sheer mystical potency, within their innocent appearance a truly vast capacity for mischief  
Examining these as a last-minute checkup, the Great Pumpkin was soon quite satisfied  
Smiling, "Perfect for Anya, Xander, Willow, Tara, and Dawn," banishing them with smug belief_

_In Arashmaharr, the lair of vengeance demons, Stewart Burns plotted his upcoming revenge  
Against that monstrous wench known as Anyanka for changing him long ago into another fiend  
Following after none other than D'Hoffryn, Stewart was passing himself off as that ruler's aide  
Too busy thinking how to best punish Anyanka to watch his step and see a floor uncleaned_

_So that Stewart trod right onto the tiny piece of candy corn lying there, from where who knew  
Except the consequences for this were dire for Stewart, foot skidding so he toppled forward  
Clutching the nearest thing at hand yet failing to avoid landing hard, all to the sound of ripping  
A dazed Stewart looked at his hands gripping the back half of a robe at where he was floored_

_To next observe D'Hoffryn turning around so that dimensional lords' torn robe front fell off  
Revealing a furious beyond measure glare and his underwear covered by My Little Pony motifs  
You can be sure Mr. Burns spent the next hundred years shoveling shit in Hell…with his tongue  
Ensuring that Xander and Anya's wedding happily transpired, with neither given shared griefs_

_In Sunnydale, Warren Mears was working on his latest invention, a new battery for April  
__The female robot he'd made for sordid purposes now rested, torso open, on an operating stand  
__For him to hook up the battery fully charged and greatly capable of extending her range  
__It was a tricky, dangerous process, so he'd made sure Andrew and Jonathan were banned_

_Looking down inside April's torso, Warren tugged free a circuit wire, when from out of thin air  
__A candy corn piece fell to bounce off his nose, landing where it shouldn't be upon the battery  
__Without thinking, Warren tried to remove the candy, only to somehow electrocute himself  
__Convulsing and then falling limply onto April, he was eventually found in a death most dreary_

_In their shared apartment, Tara was lying on bed, trying not to giggle and spoil Willow's fun  
__Inspired to celebrate their odd night, the redhead finished placing a final M&M on Tara's lips  
__To then kiss her and gulp down that chocolate bit, following a line of these down Tara's throat  
__Where it split in encircling her girlfriend's breasts and next converge further down at the hips_

_Let us now move on to another place, leaving these lovers to their privacy and climaxes  
__For which they would have many more in the future without some bastard ever getting a gun  
__This place is quite familiar to the Scooby Gang, their town's hospital called Sunnydale Memorial  
__Where a new intern is turning in tonight's notes at the nurses' station, his shift over and done_

_Taking a handful of candy corn from the bowl on the counter, junior physician Ben Wilkinson  
__Tossed these sweets into his mouth, ready to leave for home, except in the very next second  
__He began coughing and pounding his chest, a look of pain on his face, all which drew notice  
__From the nurse at her post, especially when Dr. Wilkinson then began to frantically beckon_

_For first aid as fast as possible at where he was choking on a troublesome piece of candy  
__The nurse sprang up from her chair, only to see the doctor on his knees trying to implore  
__This man's body abruptly altered into a blonde woman also in agony, thrashing on her back  
__However, given how this woman then smashed her fists with incredible strength into the floor_

_It was quite sensible for the nurse, a Sunnydale native, to stay clear and do nothing but watch  
__The strange woman give up the ghost and change back into Dr. Wilkinson, now lifeless too  
__Retreating to her post, the nurse wrote up a verdict of accidental death, the first of the month  
Making__ a note in this report to have the body cremated right away, just to be safe in her view_

_At the Revello house, the Summers sisters' sneaking the bucket of plenty inside went amiss  
__Walking upstairs while thoroughly squabbling who'd keep this, they were surprised by Joyce  
__Attempting to hide their souvenir, Dawn fumbled it over the bannister, flipping in mid-air  
__To commence flooding the whole first floor with candy and having their mom's calmest voice_

_Say: "Is there something you'd like to tell me, girls? I think that was the very last straw  
__Because I'm suddenly remembering all kinds of weirdness since moving here with you  
__Almost like that obviously magical bucket got rid of what made me forget, and my headache  
__So let's load up on chocolate and you can confess to an explanation well overdue"_

_Back at his haunt, the Great Pumpkin lit up a stogie and blew out a victorious smoke ring  
__Saying in his proudest tone, "Take that, you pricks," regarding the Powers That Be  
__Whom he loathed as obsessively controlling deities who wanted humanity always in balance  
__And if this resulted in mortal heroes never winning, well, the GP was prepared to disagree_

_Not out of any kind of idealism as people might think, casually shrugged this Halloween avatar  
__Some supernatural disaster burning bare the world or turn it into a demon-infested waste  
__Would result in him losing money ($6.8 billion this year!), which he wasn't having at all  
__So make some changes for the Slayer; presto, a future now more to the Great Pumpkin's taste_

_Pausing while something pinged off his magic, the Great Pumpkin used the ability to scan  
__All Halloweens, past, present, and future, to peer further into time at what had gotten through  
__"Hmm, why not?" seeing yet another fanfiction story on Twisting the Hellmouth  
__Impishly, he turned his head to send its frozen grin at this reader, winking straight at you_

**THE END**__  
_  
_


End file.
